BEACHBALL, BEACHBALL, HIT THAT PERFECT BEACHBALL!

Just one story this week, no points for guessing which one. Yes the infamous beachball goal at the Stadium of Light. Using stats that the NFL would be proud of, It was obvious, as soon as Darren Bent scored with a Lampardesque deflection that the three points were on their way to Sunderland. No team has ever won a game in Sunderland on a Saturday, when going a goal down from a goal that flew in off a red beachball with a Liverpool crest on it. Obviously, the beachball now overtakes England "Striker" Emile Heskey in the goal scoring charts, we'll be keeping an eye out to see if Heskey can draw level at any stage in the season.




Here's the bloody picture, enjoy it!

POMPEY OFF THE MARK, DROGBA ON THE FLOOR

PAY UP POMPEY
Goal of the week must go to Portsmouth's Hassan Yebda for this thumping header which gave Pompey their first points of the season. For the first few months of the season they have looked like amatuers, now they actually are; due to backroom financial trouble, the squad haven't been paid this week. They finally win a game but can't pick up their win bonus. Surely even Alanis Morrisette would think it was ironic.

TIGERS TOP!
Hull boss, Phil Brown apparently talked a woman down from jumping off Humber bridge during the week, although some reports say it was the other way round. However, after beating Wigan they now take top spot in the alternative premier league standings. Fulham are next on Monday and Jimmy Bullard stands a chance of making his return against his old club after a long term injury. Jimmy looks like a bit of a laugh, have a look at this


ROCK AND ROLL
Remember when Stamford Bridge had the worst pitch in the league? Not anymore, in 2004 along came a ground man's dream, Didier Drogba. The Chelsea field must be the flattest pitch in the country, thanks to the constant rolling around from the Blues' number 11. When he decides to stay on his feet and play football he can be one of the best forwards around as he showed against Liverpool, setting up both of the goals in a 2-0 victory.



Does he ever learn? He gets a few games under his belt, scores a goal or two, then starts talking about playing for England in the World cup. Oh I nearly forgot, then one of his muscles, tendons, or bones gives way. What a shame, England's former striker pulled up short (literally) and might be out for a few weeks. Saha takes the lead now and has the chance to pull away, well unless his groin twangs too.


Is it a bird?, is it a plane? Do you have to ask?

HAT-TRICKS & CRAP KITS

BOLD WIGAN
Chelsea gave up their lead at the top of the table this weekend with a bit of a shock result at Wigan's imaginatively named D.W. stadium. Whenever Titus Bramble scores at the right end, eye brows are always raised, so he must get credit when it's due; unmarked in the box, he met a pinpoint cross sweetly with his head and buried that ball in the corner of the net. Must have been that man to man marking Chelsea use on corners.


To add to Chelsea's woes, keeper and part time crash test dummy, Czech Petr Cech, was shown a red card for giving away a second half penalty. Then lovable Ashley Cole went off injured leaving the Blues down to nine men after using all their substitutes, snigger. The big news of course is that Wigan claim the lead in OPTLF's alternative league championship. They'll look forward to retaining it next week against the dreadful Hull.
Wigan 3 Chelsea 1



HAT TRICK HEROES
As a kid in the 70's, the highlight of the week, apart from "The incredible Hulk, was staying up late on a Saturday night to catch the "pick of the action" of the weekend's matches on BBC's "Match of the day." In 2009, we are spoiled with hours and hours of live football from Seville to Scunthorpe. So what's the downside? More games means more commentators and more commentators means more bad commentators and more bad commentators leads to an epidemic of verbal diarrhea. Drivel we are all to used to hearing is, "Zonal marking", "Backlift", "Drawing fouls", "Rooney has matured", "Torres is tired" . Well at least we've stopped hearing that last one. The Liverpool number 9, scored a hat-trick in 46 minutes on Saturday in the 6-1 spanking of relegation candidates Hull City.

Not to be outdone Tottenham's captain Robbie Keane banged four past newly promoted Burnley. One thing the Clarets can be thankful of is that Keane has shelved his incredibly annoying "cartwheel" goal celebration for a more, "Look at me, I'm the man" type; you still want to give him a slap, but not quite as hard.


CRAP KITS 4
If the woeful Portsmouth had managed to gain themselves their first point of the season at home to Everton this weekend, it still wouldn't have been as shocking as the shirt the visitors were wearing. Just who signs off on this stuff? Can you imagine the meeting between the Everton reps and the kits designers? "So we're thinking of something nice and traditional nothing flashy or ridiculous" Kit designers:"Ok we've come up with this black kit with bright pink stripes all over it." Rep: "Perfect! fancy a quick pint?"
As for the match, Portsmouth are still pointless(literally), and Saha can't stop scoring, especially in that pink kit.

DERBY DAY BLUES

BROWN ENVELOPE
There was so much going on at Old Trafford on Sunday that the entire OPTLF is dedicated to the Manc derby this week. Described as the best one ever, by Alex Ferguson, well he would say that, his team won; Mark Hughes understandably had other thoughts, most of them contained the words crap defending, and cheating gits. Craig Bellamy had a quite outstanding game scoring twice, the first of which wins Peach of the week, a right footed belter that keeper,Coco the clown couldn't get anywhere near.


CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
Not to be outdone, Darren Fletcher took time away from hacking the opposition's legs to bits and also notched two goals. No that's not a typo, Darren Fletcher also notched two goals!


This prompted commentators all over the planet to hail the arrival of Darren Fletcher on the world stage. Well that happened some time ago on a mountain top in Wyoming.



90 + 4 = 96?
The main talking point wasn't the incredible stupidity of "England's greatest ever defender" Rio Ferdinand trying to chip the ball over a Manchester City forward on the halfway line with the score at 3-2 in the 90th minute. Nor was it how England's latest comedy goalkeeper (No not Almunia) is trying to join Bartez, Bosnich, Taibi, Carroll, Leighton, van der Gouw, Ricardo, Howard and Andy Goram in list of awful keepers Ferguson has brought to the club.
It was of course the unusual amount of time added on to the amount of time added on, and the subsequent winning goal scored by the home team.
City manager Mark Hughes was furious, but it's hard to have sympathy for a man who spent many a year as a player at Old Trafford benefiting from referees waiting for his team to score until they blew their whistle.


Big games just don't count for anything anymore without a little bit of afters, and this match didn't let anyone down. Everyone's favourite Manc Gary Neville did the opposite to Adebeyor last week and decided to celebrate with the City fans,

while the equally lovable Craig Bellamy went one further by punching a pitch invader who was already being restrained by at least 4 policemen. Look out for some big fines given out by the F.A. early rumours are that Neville will be banned until he can grow a proper moustache. He could be out for some time.


And finally, the winning goal scored by ex Real Madrid and Newcastle striker Michael Owen, was going to be drawn by OPTLF, but the editor noticed that time was already up.

DROP THE DEAD DONKEY

DONKEY KONG
Emile Heskey, Englands very own Dennis Bergkamp has almost single handedly taken his nation through to the World cup in South Africa. Before the crucial match at Wembley against Croatia, all the talk was about how Heskey can create goals and influences matches wherever he is. Emile was on top form on Wednesday; he was the chief instigator in the first two goals, Frank Lampard's penalty after Aaron Lennon had been fouled while on a mazing run, and Steven Gerrard's header from a pinpoint cross from that boy Lennon again. But it was in the second half when Heskey really turned it on. He terrorised the Croatian defense from the bench, after Jermain Defoe replaced him up front, and was instrumental in the team adding three more goals to England's total.

On Sunday, big Emile was up to his old tricks orchestrating an Aston Villa win against their local and bitter rivals Birmingham City from the bench. The hard fought Midlands derby was always going to be won by a single goal and the Villians have Heskey to thank for it; late in the second half an out swinging free kick was intelligently headed across the penalty area by John Carew, and powerfully headed in by local boy Gabby Agbonlahor .

CLASSY
It's guaranteed that a striker will always score against his old team in his first game against them, so no one was surprised to see Emanuel Adebayor head in Manchester City's third goal against Arsenal in their impressive 4-2 win at Eastlands. But what was surprising was his goal celebration; it's become common for ex players to respect their former club by not celebrating or giving his team mates a firm handshake and a slap on the backside. However, Adebayor went one step further on Saturday; so thrilled with scoring what was probably the game clincher, the Togolese forward sprinted the length of the field to share his joy with the fans who idolised him for 4 years.

The gooners joined the love in by showering their former hero with plastic water bottles and enquiring about the sex life of his family members.


BENNY AND THE REDS
It was another frustrating afternoon at Anfield for Liverpool; the home side struggled to break down a team who put 10 men behind the ball for a large portion of the match and scraped a 4-0 win.

Yossi Benayoun bagged himself another hat trick joining Dirk Kuyt, Glenn Johnson, David Ngog, and Lucas Leiva as goalscorers this season for the team ever reliant on Gerrard and Torres.

COEN COEN GONE

SO GERRARD ISN'T REALLY THAT BAD AFTER ALL

Here's a quick quiz:
The daily newspapers report that Rafa Benitez thinks that his captain, Steven Gerrard is rubbish and is at fault for the teams bad start to the season; so it's Saturday afternoon with 80 minutes gone and Liverpool are being held 2-2 by Bolton, what does Gerrard do?
a) Go missing, leaving Liverpool with an unwanted 2-2 draw?
b) Miss an easy chance, leaving Liverpool with an unwanted a 2-2 draw?
c) Give up, Leaving Liverpool with an unwanted 2-2 draw?
d) Smash an unstoppable right footed drive into the top corner earning Liverpool a very welcome 3-2 win?


Wasn't hard was it? He's been bailing you out for years Rafa.

CRAP KITS AND PLAC


Chelsea earned themselves two honours this week; by showing Man Utd and Everton just how to beat Burnley they take over as the Premier league's best team. They strolled to a 3-0 victory at Stamford Bridge with Nicolas Anelka bagging another goal thanks to another set up from Didier Drogba, prompting TV "experts" all over the world to announce, "Who says they can't play together?" after spending the past two years telling us that themselves.
However, this weeks crap kit award goes to the Blues, for their new home shirt. Those panels on the chest are just weird, and the collar has a zip. A zip? The kit designer obviously has no idea that lazy midfielder Michael Ballack models himself on his hero David Hasselhoff, and keeps his chest hair well groomed. One reckless pull of that zip could turn the German into a Brazilian.

SICKNOTE STANDINGS
The league is really hotting up now; Saha turned in yet another 75 minutes before being substituted. Reports from Goodison say that it was a precaution; in the 74th minute, Saha shot out a snot rocket and spotted a tinge of blood. While at Old Trafford, Owen didn't even get a game, letting Saha catch up; both players are now on 3 appearances a piece. Calm down everyone.


ALMUNIA FOR ENGLAND
Finally, the biggest game of the season so far, no not Wolves v Hull, the showdown between Manchester United and Arsenal.
The Gunners started well and were ahead through an absolute beauty from Andrey Arshavin leading to that bloody annoying finger to the mouth and shush the closest set of fans even if they are his own and going crazy goal celebration. The smile was soon wiped off his face though when his goalkeeper and defence decided to take proceedings into their own hands and hand the game to the Mancs. Apparently Manuel Almunia stands a chance of being picked for the England squad and going to the World Cup, even if he looks like his gloves are made of butter. But he did his chances no harm at all by charging out his goal, and taking out the angelic Wayne Rooney at the knees, just as the ball Rooney had kicked was reaching row z of the Stretford end.



Just a few minutes later, and the mission was complete. Standing alone in the penalty area, Abou Diaby met a looping freekick with a textbook header past the keeper and into the net. Unfortunately for Diaby, the keeper was Fargo bad guy lookalike Alumina, and the three points were well on their way to Old Trafford.



Almunia, and that must be his accomplice in the wood chipper.

COLE SPURS THEM ON

West Ham and Tottenham encounters have always been friendly; looking back to the 70's, Spurs fans, with their strong Jewish background, had to endure fascist salutes from certain sections of Hammers fans wearing Doc Martens and skinhead haircuts. On Saturday at Upton Park, the players got in on the act. Carlton Cole scored a contender for peach of the week with a sublime flick of the outside of the right foot, swivel, then thunderbolt with his left. Spurs keeper, Carlos Cudicini, out of his 10 year retirement, was so impressed by Cole's skill, that instead of moving for the ball he decided to let the ball fly past him.


Just 5 minutes later, Cole, wanted to repay the favour. Receiving the ball in his own half, Cole looked for the Spurs player most likely to even up the game, he spotted Jermain Defoe the man who scored an impressive hat trick mid week, and played the ball straight to his feet. Defoe almost ripped the net with his equaliser. Spurs the went on to win the game 2-1 and now sit at the top of the table.



SICKNOTE SHOWDOWN
The boys are doing us proud, not only are they playing, but they are also scoring, although Saha did take one of the worst penalties ever on Saturday. Owen is ahead right now in appearances as Everton have only played 2 games so far. But there's plenty of time for Saha to catch up as it has been reported that Owen pulled a muscle in his arm while blowing kisses to the Man Utd fans after scoring his first goal for the club he has, "always dreamed of playing for".



CRAP KITS 2

Reebok gave the world the Reebok step, and the Reebok pump but they've really outdone themselves with this little number. Bolton Police are offering an amnesty to local gangs, free shirts in exchange for their guns no questions asked. In other news, shootings in the Bolton area have risen by 50% this week.



PLAC UPDATE
Burnley retained their status as leaders of the Alternative league by beating Everton 1-0 at Turfmoor. Everton are now the only team in the Premier League without points and are hotly tipped to appear in the next Crap Kits feature. But it's not all bad, according to Man Utd fans losing to Burnley was, "The best thing that could have happened to us" apparently, losing a game makes you wake up and stay focused for the rest of the season. Remember Liverpool drubbing the Mancs 4-1 last season? Who could forget? To hide their disappointment of getting absolutely stuffed at home by their hated rivals, Man Utd fans tried to convince everyone that they were, "Pleased it happened as it will stop us from getting complacent!" They lost to Fulham in their next match. Next up for the league leaders Burnley is a tough game at Stamford bridge against Chelsea; the Blues are coming off a solid 2-0 win versus Fulham. Everton will be wishing the were playing Wigan as after losing to Burnley, Man Utd were completely focused and thrashed the Latics 5-0.