CIRCUS RING OF FIRE

Can you imagine the sound of "England's greatest defender's" toilet at the England squad's hotel during the World cup draw, just after Spain have been paired with England? According to reports, an 80% fit, Fernando Torres was only named on the team sheet as he was getting off the bus in the Anfield car park. At about the same time, Rio and his side kick Nemanja were squeezing out of a 1970's Mini Cooper alongside 50 other clowns and a midget (more on Michael Owen's return later.)


Player of the game was who Ex Luton, Spurs, manager and commentator, David Pleat , calls Benynoon, but normal people know him as Benayoun. He ran the show; avoiding numerous beachballs and the Manc's comedy duo, Yossi threaded a beautiful through ball to Torres in the 65th minute ...........


and El Nino slammed the ball into the roof of the net. Ngog made it two in stoppage time, and the Reds registered a well needed win. Vidic received his annual red card, for an accumulation of 5 yellows, and Jamie Carragher might be counting his lucky stars for just picking up a yellow for his foul on ex England striker Michael Owen, but then again, Owen deserves it. As the Kop sang on Saturday: Where were you in Istanbul?

CRAP KITS 5: PANIC ON THE STREETS OF BIRMINGHAM
What a mess! This season has really given us some terrible kits: rumours around the second city are that the owner of the sportswear company, Umbro, is a Villa fan. Here's the evidence:



APOLOGIES TO DEAN MARTIN:
When the ball hits the sky, as it's booted too high, that's Zamora!
Life should be wonderful for Bobby Zamora, he's a professional footballer (don't laugh) has bundles of money, a fleet of flash cars, and more misses than your average mormon, however, this particular miss against Man City could go down as the one of the season. Luckily for Fulham, current leaders of the Alternative Premier League, this horrendous effort didn't harm their afternoon at Eastlands, where they picked up a well deserved point. 2-2.



BEACHBALL WATCH

BEACHBALL, BEACHBALL, HIT THAT PERFECT BEACHBALL!

Just one story this week, no points for guessing which one. Yes the infamous beachball goal at the Stadium of Light. Using stats that the NFL would be proud of, It was obvious, as soon as Darren Bent scored with a Lampardesque deflection that the three points were on their way to Sunderland. No team has ever won a game in Sunderland on a Saturday, when going a goal down from a goal that flew in off a red beachball with a Liverpool crest on it. Obviously, the beachball now overtakes England "Striker" Emile Heskey in the goal scoring charts, we'll be keeping an eye out to see if Heskey can draw level at any stage in the season.




Here's the bloody picture, enjoy it!

POMPEY OFF THE MARK, DROGBA ON THE FLOOR

PAY UP POMPEY
Goal of the week must go to Portsmouth's Hassan Yebda for this thumping header which gave Pompey their first points of the season. For the first few months of the season they have looked like amatuers, now they actually are; due to backroom financial trouble, the squad haven't been paid this week. They finally win a game but can't pick up their win bonus. Surely even Alanis Morrisette would think it was ironic.

TIGERS TOP!
Hull boss, Phil Brown apparently talked a woman down from jumping off Humber bridge during the week, although some reports say it was the other way round. However, after beating Wigan they now take top spot in the alternative premier league standings. Fulham are next on Monday and Jimmy Bullard stands a chance of making his return against his old club after a long term injury. Jimmy looks like a bit of a laugh, have a look at this


ROCK AND ROLL
Remember when Stamford Bridge had the worst pitch in the league? Not anymore, in 2004 along came a ground man's dream, Didier Drogba. The Chelsea field must be the flattest pitch in the country, thanks to the constant rolling around from the Blues' number 11. When he decides to stay on his feet and play football he can be one of the best forwards around as he showed against Liverpool, setting up both of the goals in a 2-0 victory.



Does he ever learn? He gets a few games under his belt, scores a goal or two, then starts talking about playing for England in the World cup. Oh I nearly forgot, then one of his muscles, tendons, or bones gives way. What a shame, England's former striker pulled up short (literally) and might be out for a few weeks. Saha takes the lead now and has the chance to pull away, well unless his groin twangs too.


Is it a bird?, is it a plane? Do you have to ask?